“Banned” is quite a strong word, but what this Tottenham side did against Manchester United at Wembley yesterday, the London Club deserves to be punished severely and we will tell you why!
This is the true story of a boy named Ben.
Ben is a 15 years old kid who recently moved to London from Manchester. Ben became a Football fan at the tender age just 10, and he started supporting Spurs soon afterward. (That was actually one of the biggest reasons he moved to London, as he later revealed to us).
Now, in his 5 years of supporting Spurs, Ben had seen his Club impressively climb the Premier League title and he was proud of it.
Obviously, Ben wasn’t the one for history and he never really paid attention to pre-2010 Football. For all he knew, Man City and Chelsea were the best sides in Premier League and Spurs were on course to put pressure on them.
Meanwhile, Ben did all the right things he was supposed to do, like trolling the Arsenal fans with “Wenger stay” t-shirts, releasing DVD’s of the wins against Chelsea, believing Spurs will win trophies everytime they got closer to the top of the table for 48 hours, etc. etc. You know the drill.
What Ben didn’t know or concerned himself with was Manchester United. Having been managed by the lord of boring draws, (and lord of sideways passing before that, and Braveheart before that), Ben chose to ignore that Club from Manchester, especially because they didn’t have any fans back home anyway.
So, with dreams in his eyes and banters in his head, Ben traveled to Wembley to close down the gap against Liverpool. But, little did he knew that their Goalkeeper had just casually downed a couple hundred bottles of Red Bulls and was in a super Saiyan mode.
And as the whistle blew at 90+6′, a whole new hell opened up form him.
“It was like that Zombie movie. Shawn of the dead, have you seen it?” Ben whispers, still terrified about the events of last night.
Our German journalist Bastian Schweinsthöjhgküjfgner was on hand for the exclusive interview and he reports about the terror he saw in Ben’s eyes:
“It was blood red. I mean the kid was still shaking trying to protect himself from invisible forces. It was just ridiculous and awkward, like watching Phil Jones Defend.”
When pressed further by our journalist Bastian Schweinsthöjhgküjfgner, Ben finally opened up a bit, talking about how he was returning home after that unfortunate loss when the terror struck him:
“It was scary. They came out of their secret caves, all at once and I didn’t know what to do. I was stuck, my legs went numb, my head empty much like our trophy cabinets and they surrounded me in a circle. It was like a ritual. You just knew they had done it before and were good at this.”
What happened next was extremely terrifying and it’s better you stopped reading right now for your own safety if you have a faint heart.
“They started throwing all these historical banters at me. The comeback wins at White Hart Lane in 2001 and Old Trafford in 2009. Even some 5-0 win in the old First Division at Bank Street on 22 January 1910. It was hard to wrap my head around all this history. Like I said until recently, I thought they were just some midtable Club who recently parted ways with their manager/troll lord.”
“And if them 30 minutes history lessons were not enough, they started stuffing me up with their Premier League titles, European glories, the tales of Cristiano Ronaldo and how Marcus Rashford was the next best thing and Phil Jones was the best English Center half. Fair to say, after some point, it got incredibly ridiculous.”
“However, then I was reminded (or warned?) by one of them, perhaps their leader, that this was just the start, and they were coming for the top 4 spots and the fact that they were even set for the European glory in the next few months!”
“Now I know, it’s delusional, even funny if you think about, but that sent a chill to my bare bones that what if…What if they carry on like this? What if they win another 2 games? How am I going to survive this apocalypse? How am I going to walk on these streets with all of them haggling me with facts, history and funny warnings?”
Even our journalist Bastian Schweinsthöjhgküjfgner was visibly shaken at the end of the interview:
“These are all genuine questions put forward by Ben. This is just one kid that had the courage to come forward to talk about these issues, but what about the countless others who suffer every day after United manage a win?
“It was all good and fine when the troll lord was in charge, at least we had a window of a few weeks before they managed to win another game and even that didn’t come to anything with that Dementor managing to take the joy out of every win”, our journalist Bastian Schweinsthöjhgküjfgner concludes.
But, now with that Muggle version of Lucius Malfoy gone and United actually trying to play Football again, the future looks bleak for the Premier League supporters.
Tottenham had so many chances to make things right at Wembley, but they failed to do so and now we all have to suffer from the impending arrival of optimism, joy and delusional statements from the United fans. How are we gonna survive this? Just how?
That’s why we have started this petition to ban Tottenham, or at the very least, punish them for what they did (or didn’t do). If you agree with us, please share this article and comment your views. It’s really appreciated.
Or maybe, just maybe, it was a grand plan all along from Mauricio Pochettino and co. to let Manchester United win so that they would keep Ole Gunnar Solskjaer beyond this season instead of signing a better, more competent manager? Maybe, just maybe, there’s hope after all..??